My friends will probably disagree and say I’m lying to myself, but I’m a very shy and quiet person. I always have been and as much as I’m trying to change it, I’ve accepted that I probably always will be. For people who know me really well I’m sure I come across quite fun and confident but it really does take a lot to get me that way. I’ve just come back from a festival in Croatia (currently working on that blog post) which really highlighted some of my confidence issues.
Before going away I was stressing about having my body ‘summer ready’ especially as I’d be living in swimsuits for three days! There’s always questions like ‘is my bum big enough?’ ‘is my tummy flat enough?’ or ‘does my waist look too chubby in this bikini?’ I always have ups and downs with how I feel about my body, sometimes I’m so very confident about my body and will literally wear anything with confidence oozing off of me and other times, I want to drown in oversized hoodies. Thankfully, I felt really body confident this holiday. I mean obviously being drunk for practically 72 hours straight really lowers your inhibitions but I truly had no worries. And of course it helps having loved ones positively reinforce the things you’re doubtful of. Someone telling you ” you have no idea how beautiful you are” can really give you a boost (and melt your heart).
And then there’s my personality. I’m the type of person who gets on with any and everyone. It might take me a minute to warm up to someone but typically I get on with everyone. Without sounding big headed, I think I’ve got a great personality but something I’ve always felt a lot less confident about is going out with large groups. Months ago I developed social anxiety and so the thought of going anywhere where there was more than two people freaked me out. I’m a lot more comfortable being in groups now but I notice how I react to different groups. I notice that certain people make me want to run away into my shell and hide whereas others make me feel so confident and comfortable. Thank God I was in Croatia with the best people ever. People in general can bring out all different sides to you and I think they brought out the best version of me. Happy, confident and carefree are the only words to explain.
I feel like a lot of our insecurities are often self-made, I know mine are. Nobody can make me question myself the way I do but it stems from my interpretations of others’ views of me. E.G, my friends will say things like “I love drunk Elise” and as much as that’s a compliment, it really does stick with me and can make me question myself. What’s so special about me when I’m drunk and am I not that fun to be around when I’m not? I can’t exactly drink all the time just to feel more confident, so I’m left to either change it or accept it. I know most of the time I’m just being silly, I’m confident that people love me for exactly who I am and being away, even just for a few days, with such a great bunch of people really gave me the boost I needed.