Self-Confidence

My friends will probably disagree and say I’m lying to myself, but I’m a very shy and quiet person. I always have been and as much as I’m trying to change it, I’ve accepted that I probably always will be. For people who know me really well I’m sure I come across quite fun and confident but it really does take a lot to get me that way. I’ve just come back from a festival in Croatia (currently working on that blog post) which really highlighted some of my confidence issues.

Before going away I was stressing about having my body ‘summer ready’ especially as I’d be living in swimsuits for three days! There’s always questions like ‘is my bum big enough?’ ‘is my tummy flat enough?’ or ‘does my waist look too chubby in this bikini?’ I always have ups and downs with how I feel about my body, sometimes I’m so very confident about my body and will literally wear anything with confidence oozing off of me and other times, I want to drown in oversized hoodies. Thankfully, I felt really body confident this holiday. I mean obviously being drunk for practically 72 hours straight really lowers your inhibitions but I truly had no worries. And of course it helps having loved ones positively reinforce the things you’re doubtful of. Someone telling you ” you have no idea how beautiful you are” can really give you a boost (and melt your heart).

And then there’s my personality. I’m the type of person who gets on with any and everyone. It might take me a minute to warm up to someone but typically I get on with everyone. Without sounding big headed, I think I’ve got a great personality but something I’ve always felt a lot less confident about is going out with large groups. Months ago I developed social anxiety and so the thought of going anywhere where there was more than two people freaked me out. I’m a lot more comfortable being in groups now but I notice how I react to different groups. I notice that certain people make me want to run away into my shell and hide whereas others make me feel so confident and comfortable. Thank God I was in Croatia with the best people ever. People in general can bring out all different sides to you and I think they brought out the best version of me. Happy, confident and carefree are the only words to explain.

I feel like a lot of our insecurities are often self-made, I know mine are. Nobody can make me question myself the way I do but it stems from my interpretations of others’ views of me. E.G, my friends will say things like “I love drunk Elise” and as much as that’s a compliment, it really does stick with me and can make me question myself. What’s so special about me when I’m drunk and am I not that fun to be around when I’m not? I can’t exactly drink all the time just to feel more confident, so I’m left to either change it or accept it.  I know most of the time I’m just being silly, I’m confident that people love me for exactly who I am and being away, even just for a few days, with such a great bunch of people really gave me the boost I needed.

 

elisekirsten xo.

My Fav Summer Ideas!

Summer is FINALLY here!

(If you live in England then you know it’s only here for a few days so make the most of it!) These beautiful summer days can pop up so unexpectedly and you find yourself wanting to embrace it without any real plans so here’s some ideas and a few of my fav things to do if you live in/around London!

Beaches – we rarely get to go to the beach so it’s great for a change of scenery, sunbathing and a bit of fun!

  • southend (also has adventure island so it’s a beach day/funfair all in one!)
  • camber sands
  • walton-on-the-naze

Parks – perfect day out with a few friends. Take your speakers, a few drinks, snacks, games etc!

  • hyde park
  • Bushey/Richmond Park (has deers)
  • St James park
  • Queen Elizabeth olympic park

Days Out/Things to do – cheap and cheerful yet spontaneous and fun. Things to tick off your bucket list!

  • sky garden/rooftop gardens
  • London eye/stratford orbit
  • cable cars (along the docklands)
  • museums: national art gallery, saatchi gallery, science museum, history museum
  • the zoo/sea world

The TWENTIES

I’ve written  a similar blogpost to this which mainly focused on university and loads of people seemed to relate but I wanted to talk about the struggles of being in your twenties. It just feels like you’re too young to have it all together but too old not to. Theoretically, I would have finished my uni degree by now and been on my way to graduation but I’ve skipped that part for now, but for all my friends who I’ve watched work so hard to achieve their degrees, funnily enough we’re all sitting in the same ‘lost in life’ boat staring at each other just as confused as each other.

We’re in the big wide world now and I feel like I’ve been reborn in a sort of ‘the stalk dropped me off’ kind of way with no note for my potential carer (employer), no direction of how to get to where I’m heading and no instructions to follow. When you’re in the education system, you always know what’s next and what all the steps are, until you reach the end. Then you’re left on your own and expected to work it all out. I’m currently at a stage where; my parents, family members, older friends, my friends’ families, coworkers, strangers, the guy doing my blood test, the random old lady on the bus and many more, are all looking at me with these huge hopeful eyes and asking “what’s the plan?” Whilst making sure to avoid eye contact, I sheepishly reply “I just don’t know yet”.

I’m tired of it, seriously! At what point do people stop associating age and university together and why do people think it’s okay to ask what your plan is!? WHO said I even have a plan? Because honestly, I don’t! I don’t have a f*****g clue what the plan is. I had a plan, and when it came to carrying it out I didn’t like it, so I had to scrap that plan and I’m currently trying to make a new one. I’ll happily call myself a blogger/content creator, but it’s proving hard to make a plan in this industry. Let’s say you get a job in retail, the first few days – a week of starting, you have someone on your back showing you what to do and how the business runs. Being a blogger, you’re both the new employee and the existing employee. You’re running your business whilst working out how to run your business. For me, it’s currently trial and error and unless I just haven’t done enough research, I just don’t know what the clear cut steps are, and then you’ve got to plan the back up plan too!

Everyone says the twenties are supposed to be some of the best years of your life but right now (only 21) I feel so much pressure. Constantly looking down on myself for not doing enough or not being enough yet reassuring myself this stage is absolutely normal. I’ve spoken to (or overheard conversations of) people at all different stages of twenties.. 22, 26, even as late as 29 and yet nobody seems to be confident in this new adult life full of responsibility and plans.

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So here I am, young and trying to figure it out and if it any point I find the major key to help us all through life, I’ll be sure to let you all know but for now, just know that I get it. I can relate to what you’re feeling and I believe in you!

elisekirsten xo.

My Autoimmune Disease: Living with Rheumatoid Arthritis

I wrote a similar post over a month ago now on how I’d been diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis and as it was all new to me, I felt really alone with it all and was hoping there were others out there who could share their stories with me. Almost two months later and I’m ready to do an update!

If you haven’t read my last post which I’ll link here, and you’re unsure what Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) is, here’s some info:

RA is a chronic and progressive autoimmune disease that mistakenly attacks the healthy cells in your body, causing inflammation (painful swelling) in various joints of the body. It can also affect and cause problems in organs such as the heart, lungs and eyes. Long term, it can result in deformity and immobility.

At age 20, I had a left knee injury which caused the onset of my RA. My knee became seriously inflamed and swollen and very painful. Walking let alone anything else became a task. A year later after many tests, x-rays and MRI’s, I was told I had RA and at that time, it had spread to my right knee. A month later, it had spread to my right elbow and the left side of my jaw. Typically, RA is more common in hands and feet but it can affect all joints.

The inflammation, swelling and pain is called a ‘flare’ and flare ups can happen very frequently or every now and again. RA is genetic and my dad was diagnosed with it several years ago yet he’s only experienced one short flare up in his wrist. Whereas I on the other hand, feel as though I’ve had this flare for roughly a year now. Shortly after my knee injury when it became inflamed and began to swell, it has never gone away. I only have bad days or better days.

Generally I’m happy, smiling and getting on with life and as much as I don’t want this to come across as a pity post, this can be a very serious disease and I want to share my honest story so far. The mornings are always the hardest. Because I’ve been sleeping for several hours, my joints become very stiff and I dread the morning stretch because it’s so painful for me now. My legs and right arm can no longer straighten properly so where my body naturally wants to stretch out, the swelling and inflammation acts as a painful barrier. I can barely open my mouth first thing in the morning because of my jaw so I try to keep yawning to a minimal. I practically crawl to the bathroom in the morning where getting up and down from the toilet seat is like mission impossible and I’m currently trying to learn to use my left hand for most things like brushing my teeth.

Honestly, I hate having to do things early in the morning because it doesn’t allow my joints time to ‘warm up’ so it’s all very painful. I’m very slow and can’t fully focus on whatever I should be doing. On bad days, it can affect my whole body because for all my affected joints, I usually have to substitute another part of my body so although my knees are inflamed, a lot of the time my legs generally ache because I’m shifting my weight and the pressure elsewhere. I often have a lot of pain in my hips and lower back too.

By mid afternoon, I’m usually back to my idea of my current normal self and I’m a lot more active and can move around more freely however as of lately, I am really struggling with fatigue. I feel exhausted all the time even with a decent amount of sleep. One thing I really have to focus on is my diet and what sort of foods I’m eating. There are a lot of inflammatory foods such as take away meals, fried foods, alcohol, bread, fizzy drinks and any processed foods. It might not sound a lot but on a daily basis it can prove a little hard to control. There are certain foods/drinks I have to have to help reduce inflammation such as fish, ginger, garlic, chai tea, green tea and fruits.

I’m currently waiting for my next few appointments to discuss treatment going forward. I’m expecting to take steroid injections mainly for my knees but as my disease has progressed I’m hoping to receive another medication for pain-relief too. I have been lucky enough to have private healthcare for the past few months which really has helped to speed up the process and answer a lot of questions for me. I’m sure I’ll do another update once I’ve started my treatment!

elisekirsten xo.

My Top 5 Pick-Me-Ups.

As I lay here in bed on a Monday afternoon having spent the whole day lounging around doing absolutely nothing productive, I finally thought “what shall I blog about today?” and having felt not quite myself for the past few days I decided I needed a mental pep talk and a pick me up! Having just recently overcome depression (I think) and having an autoimmune disease, I do seem to spend quite a few of these crappy days in bed but I have become a master of pick-me-ups and doing little things to get me up and rehabilitated into the world, so here’s my top 5:

  1. Pamper Yourself. Any guys reading this might be a bit put off but honestly, I know loads of guys who love a good face mask and all those little feel good pleasures. For me, showering some days can feel like a chore especially if I’m having a bad flare up with my RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) so I end up stuck in bed for half the day until I can’t take it anymore. Once I’m up I may as well go the whole nine yards and do a deep cleanse facial, shave, a cheeky face mask, wash my hair etc. It gives me such a confidence boost because I feel and look human again rather than the smelly gremlin that was laying in my bed earlier! Check out my fav beauty products here.
  2. Listen to Music. We have a tendency to listen to music which matches our moods and if you’re feeling a bit low or not quite yourself, I wouldn’t recommend listening to sad and slow songs. It’s great that you’ve found an artist/song that you can relate to but they’re not exactly going to lift your mood or energy. Try listening to upbeat music! My fav album that really helps right now is Bruno Mars’ 24K Magic album, it always makes me feel good.
  3. Surround Yourself. This isn’t always the most accessible and most of the time we don’t want to be around anyone if we’re not feeling too good. I’m very stubborn and once I’m in a mood I’d rather be alone in bed but having a loved one come and drag me out of bed always distracts me from whatever I was feeling crappy about.
  4. Take a Walk. Once I’ve summoned up the energy to do so, I love taking a little walk by the river just to clear my mind, take in some fresh air and get my thoughts together.
  5. Plans and Organisation. This isn’t necessarily a pick-me-up but it’s something I like doing when I feel a bit discouraged or unsure about things. I love writing down my plans or brainstorming my ideas so I can visually see it all. I also find cleaning really therapeutic too.

I hope this helps and at least one of these will work for you!

elisekirsten xo. 

My Fav Beauty Products

I am far from a beauty/skincare guru and I barely ever use a skincare routine but when I do, these are by far my fav products:

  • For an ‘everyday’ face mask I use the Soap and Glory Deep Pore Detox Mask which is also self-heating! Using this straight after the face wash leaves my skin super soft and gives it a nice glow.

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elisekirsten xo. 

I love myself, I hate my body???

For years now, I’ve had this constant mental battle with my body where one day, I look in the mirror and I’m so happy and anywhere between a few hours to a few days later, I hate it! The typical idea was that women always go through these battles because the trends of body shapes are forever changing, but as of recently, the media has been pressurising men too! Nobody is safe anymore and with the trends changing rapidly, it’s so hard to keep up. First thigh gaps were cool, now we frown on them as if we never praised them in the first place. Now it’s all about the girls with the thick thighs and the unattainable bodies. I’m completely down for the thick thighs don’t get me wrong, but I point out the unattainable body shapes because not even the girls you see have that body! It’s all bought. I see people striving for a body shape that they may never have because it’s just not how they’re supposed to look. Some girls are naturally very slim and some are naturally bigger, others are (currently) blessed with an hour glass shape but trust me, give it a year or two and the media will be fat shaming them until it’s cool to be a size zero again!

Rant over, back to me. I remember exactly where and when it started. Prior to this time, I had NO care in the world about my body, I was simply just a young girl living my life and had no sense of self-consciousness. One day when I was in school and roughly 14-15 years old, I remember running through the playground and I felt my thighs rubbing together and within an instant, my mind was filled with thoughts of being fat and thinking ‘omg, everyone’s looking at my huge thighs rubbing together’. I almost wish I had pictures of myself from this time but I’ve always been a very slim and petite girl so I honestly have no idea how I put two and two together and made eight but for the next few years, I became so self conscious and probably a bit crazy.

I can’t say I had an eating disorder, because nobody has ever known about this. I’ve never been diagnosed with anything or had anything suggested to me, nor have I ever known why this happened to me. But after I came to my very far fetched conclusion, I just stopped eating. I never really ate breakfast much anyway but I think I managed to get out of it by telling my parents there was a breakfast club at school and I never had lunch at school ever. I would go to lunch with my friends just to be with them, but I’d rarely eat and if I did, it would be a few bites of a sandwich. Then I would have dinner and depending on what it was, I’d eat it all, eat some or eat none and I could go a full day without eating. Sometimes my parents would send me to school with a packed lunch or some fruit (I was always the healthy girl at school) but being the lost and unappreciative little girl I was, I’d usually give it to someone else. I’d convinced myself that by not eating anything, I’d become so slim (although I already was) and everyone would praise me for my body. I’d learnt the art of sucking in too which of course we all do, but I’d learnt to suck in 24/7 to the point it’s become natural to me till this day. I don’t even realise I do it anymore, I guess it’s because I learnt to make it look natural and how to control my breathing around it.

This lack of eating lasted about a year or two and then suddenly, the complete opposite happened and I was binge eating. I couldn’t tell you why or what made me change my mind but it just happened. I still wasn’t eating breakfast because my body became so used to not having it that eating in the early hours would make me sick. But by 10:00/11:00 I’d be eating chocolates, crisps, a whole packet of biscuits and whatever else I could get my hands on washed down by some sort of fizzy drink. At 1:30 would be a full lunch followed by any left over snacks, 3:30 would be chicken and chips religiously and sometimes if I was still hungry I’d have a snack, followed by dinner. At one point, I’d have some kind of greasy chicken and chips or KFC literally everyday for months. You’d think I’d be piling on the pounds by this point but my metabolism allowed me to eat whatever I wanted without it showing.

Everyone told me to be careful because it would catch up to me eventually but I’d ignored them all and now my metabolism is the complete opposite. I’m still very slim and petite and I don’t think my frame will change much but when I start to put on weight, the first places it all goes to is my neck (double chins), my hips (love handles) and the bottom of my stomach (that horrible little pouch). I don’t completely hate my body, majority of the time I’m actually very confident but one of my friends once said this and it stuck with me.. To the outside world, people may look at us and think “I wish I had a body like hers”, we may even be someone’s ‘body goals’, but we live in our own skin, nobody knows our bodies the way we do and so regardless of what everyone else thinks, good or bad, there may always be something we don’t like. So let’s not judge people. Yes, a slim person can complain about their body and yes a bigger person may have no complaints at all. The only thing we can do individually is either accept it, or change it.