It’s coming up to almost a year since I started my blog which I began as a kind of New Years resolution. I was at a point where I had been through a lot and I was ready to start expressing myself and tell a part of my story so I started my blog and my first post outlined my story with depression. Almost a year later and of course so much has changed, so in light of finally owning my domain as well as finally feeling content with my life and being in a good place, I felt now’s the perfect time to review the past 9 months!
If you’ve been reading since the very beginning (thank you, I appreciate you!) you’ll have read my first ever post about being diagnosed with depression but if not I’ll link it here. Here’s a quick overview:
November 2016: I was diagnosed with depression and prescribed anti-depressants. I was also going through counselling too although I quickly dropped out of it. Everything in my life felt like a crumbling mess; university, friendships, relationships, my social life etc. I won’t go too far into detail because this is just an overview and I want to focus more on how I got passed this not so great chapter of my life.
I’m guessing most people won’t know this but once you start anti-depressants, roughly the first two weeks are absolutely dreadful and can actually enhance your emotions and negative thoughts whilst the drug works its way into your system, so it’s just your body’s/minds way of adjusting to it. I remember just wanting to sleep those two weeks away completely because I felt the worst I ever did. Anyway, pushed through and continued taking my medication and it really did help to level out my emotions. I felt like I could finally think a little clearer and start putting some pieces of my life together – or at least locate the glue to do so.
I quickly started feeling really positive which most would think is great but I’d found all this motivation and inspiration to fight my depression and get my life back on track almost instantly. I had great thoughts and my intentions were good I just didn’t know how to execute it properly. Only about a month later and I’d stopped taking my medication and I wasn’t in counselling anymore because I was determined to combat this by myself. I just hit rock bottom all over again, in fact I think this time was even worse. Turns out I wasn’t ready to stop taking my medication and I think it just caused a crazy chemical imbalance. I wasn’t functioning whatsoever, this time I could feel my friends & family’s worry and concern so I knew it was bad. I guess I needed an intervention and one of my close friends did just that. Every morning I’d wake up to a glass of water and my daily tablet followed by a mouth inspection to make sure I’d actually swallowed the tablet.
I felt like an invalid but I did really need that (thank you!). For the next few months I was battling with my medication. Eventually I stopped taking them prematurely again but it all worked out for the best and I didn’t fall back into depression. I focused on getting my life back together, rebuilding friendships and surrounding myself with the right people because I really needed that. At that time so much had gone on and I didn’t trust anybody, my anxiety was crazy so I was really just focused on getting back to being me.
Slowly but surely, it was working. I was blogging and that alone was like therapy for me, I was meeting new people and going places again, I started feeling good about myself finally. I did random things that made me happy like cutting all my hair off, that was one of the best decisions I’d made and I wish I’d done it sooner but everything has it’s time! It felt like I was reinventing myself whilst still finding the old me. The truth is that I still have bad days, where I don’t want to see or speak to anyone, where I cry three times in a day, where my thoughts are filled of self-doubt and worries. Days like that scare me. I get scared that I’m now more susceptible to depression again and the thought alone makes me want to curl into a ball and hide but those days pass the next day is always a better one!
I look back to where my life was 9 months ago and I literally think “wow”. At that time I never thought I’d get passed it all, I thought I wasn’t strong enough, I’d be in that dark place forever. I learnt that we are always stronger than we think and the light in the dark tunnel will always show. Sometimes it presents itself as a person who says and does all the right things just when we need it the most, sometimes its a job opportunity or life takes you somewhere you never thought you’d end up but it’s where you needed to be. It all sound cliche but your pain, your current situation is temporary. Big or small, whatever it is, you’ll overcome it and you’ll look back and think “wow”.
So far you’ve survived 100 percent of your worst days. This too shall pass. – Unknown
elisekirsten xo.
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